Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
