Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
