I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
