She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Drunk is not a location!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
