I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize