New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
