hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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