I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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