I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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