Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
