So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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