Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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