No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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