A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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