you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
