My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
