was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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