Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
