I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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