sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
