it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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