I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
