I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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