Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
