youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
