I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
