a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
