She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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