Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
