yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
