worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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