i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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