I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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