did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
