I'm sorry my penis didn't work
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
