I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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