Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
