Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
