Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
