I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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