Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
