We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
