My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
