I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
