singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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