I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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