peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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