You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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