Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
