Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize