she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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