Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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