I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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