you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
