i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
