Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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