Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
