He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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