just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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